


Make Your Bed And Lie (Just Like You Always Do)

by DefaltManifesto



Category: Marvel, X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Codependency, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M, Seriously not a happy fic, not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:19:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>8 scenes in the life of one Hank McCoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Your Bed And Lie (Just Like You Always Do)

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from Truce by the Dresden Dolls. This originally had a happy ending and then I decided, fuck it, ya'll can have some angst. I might post the happy ending version as a second chapter later, but don't hold your breath.

**1.**  

Hank would never forget the day he became 'Beast'. It was hard not to. The pain searing through his veins, following the path of the serum he'd stupidly thought would cure him of his every problem. Magic cures didn't exist; he should've known that.

That night still plagued him. He wondered what would have happened if he hadn't rejected Raven, hadn't said that she wasn't beautiful just the way she was. He would always remember the shame and humiliation as he stared at himself in the mirror, his own words echoing around in his head like so many toxic missiles, burrowing down deep into his heart.

The serum had made him who he was, but Hank still didn't know just who that was either.

 

**2.**

The euphoria of realizing there were others like him, other mutants, people who understood him, it was something Hank never felt again. It wasn't like that was a bad thing; after all, you couldn't really replicate the feeling of realizing you were no longer alone in the world. That didn't make any sense. Hank supposed, though, that he wouldn't mind experiencing something just as great.

For a while, when he and Charles had started up the school with Alex and Sean at their sides, he thought it was possible to find peace. But then Sean had left with Erik and Alex got drafted and the school closed, collapsing in on itself like a poisonous black hole. No matter how desperately Hank searched for a cure, he could only watch as Charles spiraled in on himself.

Hank had no choice but to keep his distance. Once you fell into a black hole, it wasn't like you could pull yourself back out.

 

**3.**  

Hank had admired Charles. Maybe he still did, but it was hard to when he was staring at the broken and empty shell of a once great man. Part of him wished he actually felt bad for what he had done, providing Charles with a crack-shot cure that really did more damage than good. Really though, Hank was just trying to salvage what he could, and it didn't matter if he was almost twenty two when it all started, he was still a  _kid_ dammit he wasn't supposed to deal with this sort of thing.

He kept Charles fed and convinced him shower in between bouts of sleeping and shooting himself up. For nearly eight years, he played the babysitter to a bitter man who was losing a bit of his soul every day.

The only good thing to happen in the course of those eight years was the fact that he finally got a working drug to keep himself under some semblance of control. At least he could look at himself in the mirror.

 

**4.**

The self-loathing was nearly impossible to deal with. He looked at Charles and saw in him his own failure to be a true friend. When the serum wore off and he saw himself in the mirror, all he saw was a monster, incapable of anything so human as _love and empathy and intelligence_.

But he dealt with it all because Charles needed someone and that someone was Hank, and maybe Hank liked feeling needed.

 

**5.**  

When Logan showed up at the door with all his demanding and rude comments, Hank was furious. Being able to fight the man, defend Charles the only way he knew how, gave him some sort of sick rush. Somehow in the last ten years, he had turned into Charles' protector, his lionheart. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. He supposed it was inevitable, given how they had been living for so many years; codependent and drugged up in their own ways, unable to look at themselves in the mirror without wanting to break the thing into a million pieces.

He realized though, as Logan talked, as Logan learned the truth of the drug that Hank had created, that he was far from Charles' lionheart. He was an enabler, and had helped in the deconstruction of the man he'd once admired so much.

Hank added it to the list of reasons to hate himself, and kept the words buried.

 

**6.**

Hank hated Erik. He hated Erik just as much as Charles did, because Erik had taken away everyone he'd cared about; Raven, Sean, Angel, and in a way Darwin. He hated the way Charles looked at him after everything he had done.

He hated that Charles never looked at him that way.

 

**7.**

The few hours after Cerebro malfunctioned were some of the hardest Hank had ever faced. Logan retreated to his own room, leaving Hank to help Charles back to his bedroom and help him go about his usual nightly routine. Neither of them were ashamed about it, having had to do it so many times, and having seen each other at much worse than what they were now.

As Charles curled up on himself in his bed, Hank felt something in his heart break. He wished he could help bring Charles back from the brink, make him see that he could run Cerebro, that his heart was nearly as broken as he thought it was because Hank could see the good in him, even at the worst moments.

"You know I can hear your thoughts."

Hank flushed and headed for the door. "I'm sorry, I'll let you sleep."

"Stay."

So Hank did. He stretched out on Charles' bed, being sure to take another dose of the serum to ensure no mishaps. Charles rolled towards him and tucked his face into Hank's neck.

"You've always been there for me Hank. Thank you."

Hank didn't say a word.

 

**8.**  

In D.C., Hank was struck by Raven's beauty. He couldn't really believe he'd ever thought she was anything but absolutely beautiful. She exuded raw power, even as she limped away. It filled him with guilt, but he tucked those feelings away to deal with later, or never, and helped Charles out of the arena.


End file.
